: Only happy when I’m moaning
After noting Alexander’s warning about the new chequebook thing over at Fake Plastic Souks, I got on line to my favourite group of bankers and ordered a new chequebook. A couple of hours later, Red Triangles Bank sent me an SMS to confirm that the chequebook had been dispatched to a courier who I shall call Are-A-Mess for reasons that will shortly become apparent, and here was the tracking number. Then, a day later, the courier phoned me on my mobile to find out where I was located. The package was duly delivered a day later.
And then a few days after that, Are-A-Mess phoned me on my mobile to advise that there was another package – a new plastic card – from the bank, which they wished to deliver. And they did so, less than 24 hours later.
So just when I thought it was all working…
Last Thursday I rang Red Triangles Bank, the bank that is both local and global:
Goat: Hi. I have my new credit card, thank you very much. Where is the other one?
Bank: It’s with Are-A-Mess. We sent it to them on 15 December. Here’s the tracking number.
Goat: OK, thanks. I’ll chase Are-A-Mess to get it delivered.
I rang Are-A-Mess, purveyors of Shop&Ship and also the courier of preference with Red Triangles Bank:
Goat: With reference to this tracking number, where’s my package?
AAM: We’ve been sitting on this since 15 December. RTB didn’t give us your mobile phone number.
Goat: Well here it is.
AAM: Oh, no, Mr Goat. We have to be given your phone number by the bank.
Goat: And you contacted the bank to obtain my number…?
AAM: Certainly not. Policy is to wait until an irate customer calls, then he has to contact the bank.
Rang the bank again. Got cut off several times. Eventually:
Goat: Are-A-Mess needs you to tell them my mobile phone number. Then they can call me to arrange delivery.
Bank: We’ll contact Are-A-Mess and call you back.
Time passes. Thorin sits down and starts singing about gold.
Bank: We called Are-A-Mess, and they’ll phone you on Saturday, or Sunday at the latest, to arrange delivery by Sunday.
Goat: Huzzah!
Sunday afternoon:
Goat: Hi. You didn’t call me. This is the tracking number. Where’s my package?
AAM: Please tell us your location, and we can deliver it tomorrow. Is this your landline number?
Goat: Yes it is. Would it help to use my mobile in case I’m ‘not on my seat’ when you ring?
AAM: We only have your landline number. We’ve had it since December. But not the mobile. You have to get the bank to tell us your mobile.
Goat: So if you had my number why didn’t you call? It’s my firm’s main switchboard, so don’t try to tell me that there was no answer. The only way to fail to get an answer during office hours is not to dial the number!
So who is lying?
I don’t know who has a tenuous grasp on the truth, but for sure it’s at least one of the above.
Meanwhile, Muggins is stuck like flat-nosed curly-tailed dog in the middle, refereeing between Are-A-Mess and Red Triangles Bank. Both of these organisations (for a given value of ‘organised’) are stuck behind call trees, so being a referee is a time-consuming exercise in frustration and futility. “Press 1 to be ignored; Press 2 to listen to our annoying hold music; Press 3 to get cut off, etc”
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